On my recent flight from the Fort Lauderdale Airport, I was corralled with the other human mammals toward the now-infamous “Backscatter X-Ray” security machines. These are the exact same machines recently banned throughout most of the EU because of Backscatter’s dangerous radiation-emissions.

In countries with universal healthcare, the last thing a government wants is 20 million new civilian cancer cases from crap machinery developed by US Defense contractors to enrich the private vendors of Homeland Security.

Here, it’s simply don’t ask, don’t tell, and deny. In a recent radio broadcast, in which we reached out to DHS (Department Homeland Security) Chief, Janet Napolitano, i asked if they’d expose themselves for several minutes in the Backscatter machines to demonstrate, once and for all, that the American public need not fear, need not worry about molecular sub-dermal DNA damage. DHS vociferously declined, citing critical security needs requiring more immediate attention. I asked if there were not a secretary or off-duty security guard who could be the radiation gerbil for this enlightening demonstration. I was transferred to voicemail–that, being the last communication I’ve had with our vaunted protectors.

Cancer, south of Canada and north of Mexico, means a booming business where retail medicine is the dominant option. It’s a bit like a snowstorm where you maintain the shovel and parka concession. The better part, is with Backscatter, you could actually create the snowstorm where there once was none. Exposing human flesh to DNA-altering radiation is as sensible as exposing it to syphilis; at some point both the spirochete and the x-ray will penetrate the flesh and exact its pound.

To truly understand the make-believe security perpetrated on the public, one only has to enjoy the posted signs at Security (above) which suggest humans under the age of 12 cannot deliver incendiaries through their Nikes. Indeed, only those 12 and over are capable of lining their gel inserts with magnesium strips or stuffing underpants with combustible penile implants.

Likewise, American Airlines would not let me take an earlier, available flight because my luggage had been checked onto a different plane. “Everybody has to travel WITH their bags”….. unless you’re a Platinum Member. See, if you pay premium rates, you’re clearly beyond suspicion, or only poor people are suited for terrorism. Yet, on 911, half of all hijackers flew first class. But profit always trumps rules when rules trump profits.


When you “opt out” of the radiation bath, TSA punishes you with a public shout, “Patdown!”, and has you wait next to the metal wall of the actual Backscatter machine you’re vigorously trying to avoid. As your plane idles at the jetway, you wait for a duo of TSA dudes to amble over and escort you, or rather parade you (like the village whore), across the security zone, which may as well be the town square.

You, the Hester Pryne of aeronautical scofflawlessness, are subjected to a long oral litany of swipes and strokes they plan to administer; describing hand angles and supposed finger depth. The verbal instruction manual, as delivered with semi-articulate malaprops, takes at least two additional minutes. If you’re like me, you tell them–“in the interest of time”, you’ve been through the procedure repeatedly and gladly waive your right to the blow-by-blow audio foreplay. They react to this with dumbfounded pique, as this is truly the only part of the session where they get to shine–like clodhopper Shakespeares delivering police-style oratory, counterpointed with rubber-gloved, backhanded genital slaps.

This is no more than sheer paramilitary burlesque, as could only come from the withered manparts of an impotent Dick Cheney or Donald Rumsfeld. These are the same charlatans who captained the Gitmo molestation squads, only satisfied after younger adult males were rendered naked and scrotum-barbecued or foreskin-fondled. What kind of men are the Michael Chertoffs (former Homeland Security head), Cheneys, and Rumsfelds who con-cocked Homeland Security and TSA to begin with? At every step of the way, it includes male nudity and violation. The level of pent-up, homoerotic S & M-Third Reich-citizen-diddling speaks volumes in sexual proclivities. When you legitimately punish a dog for suspected or assumed misbehavior, do you focus your interrogation on Fido’s doggie-boner or Fifi’s canine crevasse? No.

The TSA are handpicked for their ability to execute obviously-onerous policy without capacity for larger thought. Never have I met an armed group less-suited to mental acuity than these mountebank babysitters of these hugely-expensive Backscatter human x-ray scanners. They not only operate this dangerous technology, but lean against it and strut through it repeatedly. It is a form of denial-meets-machismo and mushbrain.

So, when you smartly decline the recently EU-banned Backscatter (radiation-emitting) airport security machines, be prepared for a 10 minute exercise in humiliation and intimidation. Clearly, TSA wishes to make so painful the pat-down process that we’ll succumb to a radiation bath to save 15 minutes’ time and, as happened to me today, a rubber-gloved TSA interrogator driving his outstretched fingers down the front of my shorts, across the pubic bone.